Memories by Marianne It's three am in the morning, he is staring up the ceiling of his room in the Royal Hawaiian Hotel in Honolulu he woke up an hour ago and he can't sleep. He quietly slips out of the bed without disturbing his wife and pulls a robe over his naked body. He stands up and looks down at her, she's beautiful and he smiles. He walks out to the balcony and settles down into a chair which overlooks Waikiki Beach and the moonlit Pacific Ocean. He's tall and late middle age, his once jet black hair has the hint of gray at the temples. He's a handsome man whose presence commands attention. He is highly respected in his field and his family is well known and wealthy. He's had the best education. Most people would think he was lucky especially when they see him and his wife together. He surveys the panoramic landscape, to his left he notices Diamond Head. He takes a deep breath of the clean salt air. This is the last night he and his wife will stay in the Hawaiian Islands. Their long awaited second honeymoon is over. He doesn't want to leave this paradise, for the last three weeks they have been alone, no hospital emergencies, no family feuds, no yelling, no screaming, no back stabbing, just enjoying each other's company. He let's out a sigh, its been a long hard road to get here. Now its over, they were suppose to go back yesterday, but they decided to spend one more romantic evening in Honolulu. The decision to stay didn't disappoint either of them. Upon arriving from Maui, they settled into the hotel and then decided to go for a swim and walk along the beach. They browsed in some of the shops along the main street and then walked through the International Market Place and came back for an early dinner. They watched the sunset from their balcony and then made love until they fell asleep in each other's arms. He looks back into the darkened room, he waits until his eyes adjust and he can still see his wife is sleeping. He returns his gaze back to the ocean, he realizes how happy he's been here. Its been one of the happiest times he can remember but he's just as quick to be honest with himself, he's lucky to be here at all, even luckier to be alive. Dr. Alan Quartermaine is soon deep in thought and starts to contemplate the path he took to get here. It's true, outwardly Alan has everything a person could want but of course there is an old saying that looks can be deceiving. Alan first showed up in Port Charles, New York in 1977. He was working for the Hardwick Foundation and was only suppose to stay in town long enough to determine if the foundation was going to subsidize a new cardiac wing for GH. He never anticipated meeting and falling head over heels in love with Monica Bard Webber. Alan smiled at the memory, they butted heads from the beginning but they also had and still do have an undeniable chemistry. But over the past twenty five years there has been so much deceit miscommunications, lack of trust, lies, and the many affairs. Oh the affairs. They even divorced once, but made their way back to each other. Most couples would never have made it through the first affair. Alan cringes at the thought of it. When he and Monica first got married he suspected she was never over Rick Webber and he was right. They eventually had an affair and then Monica tried to pawn AJ off as Rick's. Alan tried to kill them both, twice, but failed each time. What a violent temper he had. He did mellow over time, and finally just when he and Monica seemed to have found some happiness and peace together she was diagnosed with breast cancer. He cared that she lost her breast but more for her, he was just glad she didn't lose her life. He couldn't imagine his life without her at least being somehow a part of it. He stayed by her side the entire ordeal and she shut him out, the harder he tried, the further she pushed him away. She almost pushed him right into Bobbie Spencer Jones's bed. He shakes his head almost in disbelief, he and Bobbie agreed to meet in New York City to consummate their relationship and fortunately he had the good sense not to go through with it. He and Bobbie were discovered there by Monica and Tony Jones and Alan caught hell for it. He smiled however at the memory of walking in at the end of the food fight Monica and Bobbie had in the kitchen of the Quartermaine mansion over it. Poor Monica was covered from head to foot with food. He continued to smile though of the memory of that night, he and Monica finally made love. They had not made love in more than a year. He had wanted so much to be with her, just to feel her safe in his arms, but she had closed him out. But that night, she gave into her desires and it was wonderful. Things seemed to be getting better, until Jason who had been left brain damaged due to a car accident while AJ was driving drunk decided he no longer liked, needed or wanted to be a Quartermaine. Alan's golden child rejected him and he couldn't face it or accept it. Then there was Dr. Pierce Dorman, a despicable an individual if ever there was one. He and Monica had a brief affair, and then he sued her for sexual harassment. It was a media eating frenzy and they had a field day with it. Monica's affair with his nephew Ned was now public knowledge and opened an old and unwanted wound for Alan. His only satisfaction was he decked Dorman in the face. By that time Alan had already started taking hydocodone to ease the pain in his hand after surgery. The surgery was preformed to try and repair nerve damage done to his hand years before he even came to Port Charles. Alan had hoped to become a surgeon again. His use of hydocodone was getting out of control and he was quickly becoming addicted. Things kept progressing from bad to worse, his adopted daughter Emily was at that time addicted to drugs her self and AJ was drinking again and once again disowned by the family. For Alan the final straw came when Dorman was murdered and Monica found Emily with a bloody scalpel in her hand, she assumed she did it. Ned discovered Monica and Emily together and he persuaded her not to tell Alan about it. Alan did find out about it though, he eventually did forgive Monica, but it seemed their whole marriage was one constant misunderstanding or lie after another, one expecting forgiveness from the other. Alan was taking hydocodone to dull his pain, his heartbreak, and just to face each new day or crisis. He tried to convince himself there really was pain in his hand, but he knew that was only an excuse. His real pain was his broken heart, the child he loved was lost to him forever and the woman he loved for the last 25 years choose to have an affair after her breast reconstruction to prove her own sexuality. When she told Alan about the sexual harassment suit and she admitted her affair to him, he asked why. He asked her why his desire for her was not enough, and she said she thought he was only being kind. She needed someone else to prove her sexuality, he was crushed. For Alan began the downhill spiral into the world of drugs. The lies, the stealing, the banishment from the family, being arrested, almost losing his career, his wife, his daughter. Thankfully the nightmare is over, but there was one bright spot in it, he met Tammy, the hooker with a heart of gold. While it was true he went to her first for sex, they never did succeed, luckily for him at that time one side effect of taking so much hydocodone was he couldn't perform. But they had become good friends and helped each other a lot and she had helped him find his way back to Monica. He stood up and stretched, he looked back into the hotel room, Monica was still sleeping. He sat back down and was once again lost in his own thoughts. After his rapid detox Monica wanted Alan to move back home but he wasn't ready. So he stayed at the Port Charles Hotel. Monica tried hard to understand his decision and was upset that he allowed Tammy to help him instead of her. She didn't realize at that time she was part of the problem but she tried harder than she ever had to show him just how much she wanted him again. Alan recalled the first time he and Monica really talked about his addiction. It was last February, he was sitting down at the docks watching the freighters move in and out of the harbor. He wasn't really paying to much attention to anything else so he didn't notice Monica walking behind him, but she noticed him and decided to go down and say hello. Monica: "Hi, kind of cold to be sitting and watching the ships don't you think?" She was smiling. Alan looked up at her and returned her smile: "Hi, what brings you down this way?" Monica: "I had some business I had to take care of." Alan looks at her and is surprised: "Business? Down here at the docks?" Monica: "Hmmmm, yup" Alan doesn't answer her, and she continues, "OK, I was looking for you, I just wanted to see how you were, is there anything wrong with that?" Alan:"No, nothing wrong with that at all. What's up?" Monica (she really wasn't down on the docks looking for him, she was meeting with Tammy to find out how Alan was doing, she just happen to see him on her way home): "Several weeks ago you promised me lunch, I thought I'd finally pin point you down to an actual date." Alan: "I'm sorry, I did promise you lunch, name the day, the time and the place." Monica: "Maybe this wasn't really a good idea" Alan:" Why?" Monica: "I might be trying to hard, maybe you're not ready yet, to sit down and talk." Alan: (he looks at her thoughtfully and he can see she's trying hard to connect with him): "No, its ok, we do need to sit down and talk. You need to know why I started talking drugs. I've thought about it for a long time now. Its time you know the truth. But its not going to be easy to say or for you to hear." Monica: "This doesn't sound hopeful" Alan: "Maybe not, but Monica its the first step, we both need to take. If you really want me back like you say you do, then you have to hear this and try to understand what I'm going to say." Monica (she lets out a deep sigh): "Ok, ok, you have my full attention." Alan (he takes his right hand and rubs it over his face and looks out to the harbor and he remains silent for a second): "There wasn't anyone thing that brought on this addiction, it was a cumulation of things, it was our marriage, Jason's accident, never being able to live up to my father's expectations, AJ was drinking, the pressures of running a hospital, your sexual harassment trial. It was easy to take the drugs to try and dull everything. The more I took the pills the duller the surroundings became." Monica: "Why didn't you come to me?" Alan: "Come to you? You're affair with Dorman was one of the reasons I was trying to dull the pain" Monica doesn't seem to surprised: "Is that why you forgave me so easily for it?" Alan: "I had just started taking hydocodone then, I was still functional. I'm not sure why I forgave you so quickly. Maybe because, I had moved out and we were separated, maybe because I just grew tired of the bickering. (He now lets out a heavy sigh). I think I just grew tired of the way the marriage was, always was." Monica (now is surprised): "Always was?" Alan: "Yes, when we first got married, I thought my love for you would be enough. I always had my doubts that you were actually over Rick Webber, unfortunately you proved me right. After that it was always one affair after another. That was the way we'd get back at each other. You'd have one, then I'd do it to get even or vice a versa. Its a lousy way to live. But through it all, I've loved you. Even when we divorced, even when I hurt you with Lucy, I never stopped loving you. It was a miracle we remarried. Then there was David Langton and you were on trial for malpractice and your diary entry was read in court. You said you never loved anyone like him, not even me. All of Port Charles heard it. But I still stayed with you, even after your ordeal with the cancer, you knew how much I wanted you, just to be near you, but you didn't believe me. You didn't believe me, when I told you, you were beautiful and sexy. You turned to another man. Finally when we made peace again, and Dorman was murdered you thought Emily did it. You confided in Ned and not me, even though we had promised to be honest with each other. So much for honesty." Monica didn't say anything she just listened, actually, she knew what he was saying was the truth and it left her speechless. Monica (she finally composes herself):"I had no idea" Alan:"No you didn't. You're a good person, but other people have taken precedence over me in your life or other situations have overshadowed our marriage." Monica: "Is that how you see?" Alan: "That's how I see it." Monica: "Where does that put us? Is this the end for us?" Alan:(smiles and looks at her): "Can you really ever imagine the end of us? I don't think I can." Monica (tears brim in her eyes and she looks a little relieved): "I don't think I can either. So what do we do now?" Alan: "I still have a long way to go before I'm better. I go to the NA meetings, I have the work at the clinic, so I'm keeping busy. I talk to Tammy a lot." (He looks at Monica and she trying not to show her disappointment, he wants to her to understand and he continues). Do you remember when I was friends with Rhonda Wexler?" Monica nods her head yes. Alan goes on:"She was easy to be around, easy to talk with it. She didn't have great expectations of me. She didn't want me to me to be perfect. She just liked me for who I was. Nothing more, nothing less. (He stops mid thought and changes direction)"Do you know how I met Tammy?" Monica: "No" Alan: "Do you remember when the day you left a message at the hospital to come and you wanted us to make love?" Monica nods her head:"Yes I remember" Alan: "I wanted to make to love to you, but the damn drugs, they wouldn't let me perform. So I took it out on you and left. I went to Luke's and started drinking. I met Tammy that night. I went to her a couple of times, because, as terrible as this will sound, I wanted her to help me so I could go home to you and make love. She and I never succeeded either. (Monica looked somewhat relieved, under the circumstances). Anyway, we just became friends after a while. She had a had a drug problem once herself so she knew how hard it was for me. I couldn't expect you to help when you never experienced it for yourself. Besides, I inwardly blamed you for most of the problems." Monica is very silent, she starts to look around, lifts up her head and looks at the sky. Finally, all she could manage to say, "And now?" Alan, he turns and looks at her: "Now? I guess now the question is, do you still want me? Monica (she answers without any hesitation): "Yes, and you? Do you still want me?" Alan: "Monica, I've always wanted you, that's always been the problem, even when you didn't want me, I wanted you. That's how this got so out of control. I couldn't stand it anymore, it just seemed I was never enough for you." Monica: "I'm sorry" Alan: "I know, but the fact remains, this all happened." Monica: "I honestly still want you back, I love you." Alan ( looks her in the eyes): "OK, but before I move home, we need to do something first and you need to agree to it." Monica: "What?" Alan: "If we were going to make it, we need to talk to someone. It can be Gail, it can anyone you want. But we need to find out why we do what we do to each other. We need to let go of all the old hurt and anger. We need to get it all out in the open and really start new. I'm not going back to the old marriage. I'm going to put up with any more affairs, or lies or expectations. I'm human, I make mistakes but I am who I am. Not who you or my father or anyone else wants me to be. And I don't want to be the chief of staff anymore. I don't know what I want to do, but that's not it. So if you don't think you can live with this or if you don't think I'm going to be enough for you, now's the time speak. We can just walk away. You can finally have the mansion free and clear......... (he doesn't finish, Monica cuts him off). Monica: "No, its fine, I'll agree to it all, I want us to work, really work this time." Alan offers her a half smile and nods his head and simply says, "good". That was the start of a new beginning for him and Monica. Monica was true to her word, they did start counseling together, it was insightful, it was painful but in the end it was worth it. Alan finally realized that he didn't have to live up to his father's expectations and Monica realized growing up in an orphanage didn't teach how to really show her feelings. The orphanage taught her independence, strength and courage, but she never really showed her true feelings for the fear of them not being returned. Both she and Alan realized they needed to start over again, for them to make a fresh start. They both knew they were still in love with each other but major changes in their relationship was required. What they needed to do and agreed to do was try to leave the worst of the last 25 years behind. They needed to be honest with each other, no matter how much the other one didn't want to know it. They agreed to try and talk to each other without accusing them of something first. Then they decided to do something completely new, they decided before they were lovers again they needed to be friends. They had always fell into bed after their many separations without ever really solving the problem, this time they wanted to do just the opposite. They needed to learn not to have expectations of the other, but they needed to respect each other for who they were. Nothing more, nothing less. Finally they agreed if they were going to stay married there could be no more affairs. They needed to turn to each other and not others. During that time they continued to live apart. They went out to dinners, to the movies, the opera they were like young kids again. Monica returned to being a surgeon and Alan changed his mind his mind about being chief of staff. As he grew stronger and accepted his own strengthens and weaknesses he accepted the fact he was good at being COS, and unfortunately when he re-injured his hand punching out Dorman his glimmer of hope of becoming a surgeon was lost. He did decide though, he needed to continue to work at the free clinic, it helped remind him of how close he came to losing everything that mattered. He kept his friendship with Tammy and she helped him from the very beginning of detox. There were nights that he wanted a pill and she helped through it. She knew that Monica wanted Alan back, he told her that right after he went through detox. But she knew anyway, she had met Monica last fall when she paid her to keep tabs on Alan. She really didn't know the deal between Alan and Monica but she knew Monica was still in love with him. Tammy wanted to see Alan happy and she also knew he was as equally in love with his wife. Tammy was lots of things but she was honest and even if she wanted more from Alan it wasn't her he wanted, so she settled for his friendship. When Luke's Aunt Ruby unexpectedly passed away in January Luke asked her to run Kelly's diner, so she could get out of her current business. After she had gotten beaten up and drugged to make it look like she killed Alan's dealer she was getting afraid for her safety. She liked being around people so she took the chance to get to do something new and legitimate. Eventually Luke asked her to buy the diner and Alan offered her the money to buy it, but she couldn't accept it, so they agreed upon a loan. It wasn't long after that Tammy told Alan that Monica had paid her to keep tabs on him. At first he had misunderstood, she explained that Monica only paid her the once and that was before she really got to know him. She went on to tell him that Monica really was worried about him and how much she did care for him. He didn't see Tammy for a few days after that and he even shied away from Monica. He finally asked Monica about it and at first she was embarrassed by it. She explained that it started when he was living down on Courtland Street and the only way she knew that he was ok was hiring Tammy to keep her informed. But she only paid her the once and that Tammy really had a genuine friendship for him. Monica went one step further and told him that Tammy kept in touch with her for the last several months just to help her not worry so much. She told him they both really cared about his well being. He was glad for her honesty and he was even happier to hear that she hadn't given up on him. He thanked Tammy after that as well. It finally seemed everyone lives were getting back on track. He and Monica were finally making progress and their relationship had flourished. They had started to depend upon each other again and they had really start to look forward to each other's company. The new foundation they had wanted to build was being cemented in place and it was getting harder and harder to say goodbye at night. Alan was momentarily brought back to the present when he noticed that the night was fading behind him and the dawn was breaking. He glanced at his watch and remember that he had taken it off before he went to bed last night. He guessed it was around 6 am, he peered over his right shoulder and was relieved to see Monica still asleep but she wouldn't be for much longer. He smiled and felt the warm ocean breeze and he looked down at the beach. There were early morning joggers and a few locals who came out every morning with their metal detectors searching the sand for someone's lost jewelry. He watched as workmen from each of the hotels were preparing for the new day. One was setting up chaise lounges and chairs around the pool, another was vacuuming the pool while yet another was send to the beach to rake up the seaweed that was left behind with last night's waves. He wanted to revisit the that long awaited night when he and Monica could no longer deny their love for one another before his hectic trip home. It was late June and the night of the Nurse's Ball, Alan was skeptical about going because of last year. Monica asked him to go, she had said no one would even mention it to him but she promised to support his decision either way, but when she said she'd be right by his side the entire evening, he knew she meant it. He agreed to go and the evening was a huge success. When he had picked her up at the mansion , Monica was dazzlingly in her long black evening gown and he was as handsome as ever in his tux. Edward had wanted them to drive with him and Lila in the Bentley. He looked over at Monica for her reaction and it was the same as his. It was like a light bulb had gone off for both of them. They had both suddenly become acutely aware of the other's presence. The relationship was on solid ground and it about to take that next step. He thanked his father but made his apologies and said he and Monica would drive separately encase there was a hospital emergence. His father took it for face value but Alan couldn't help but notice the twinkle in his mother's eyes. All he could do is smile at her and wink and to his surprise Lila returned the wink. Once safely alone in the car he told Monic how beautiful she looked. She smiled and didn't say anything but leaned over to him and kissed him. He didn't hesitate to met her lips. When they finished they looked into each other's eyes and smiled. The ball was at the Port Charles Hotel and it seemed the festivities were longer this year. Shortly before the end Monica excused herself. When she didn't return after fifteen minutes Alan was a little worried and went into the hotel lobby to find her. He noticed her on the lobby telephone. Alan: "Is everything alright? I was worried when you didn't come back." Monica: "Everything is fine, I just went to the ladies room and then got a page on the beeper." Alan: (his heart almost sank with disappointment): "Is there an emergency? Do you need me to drive you to the hospital?" Monica: (shakes her head): "No, there was just a question about Mrs. Louis's chart, its all taken care of." Alan (very relieved): "Good. Ah, the ball is almost over, would you like me to drive you home or would you like a night cap?" Monica: I'm not tired, and I'm not ready to go home. Are you tired?" Alan (shakes his head): "No, not a bit." There was a moment's hesitation on both parts, Alan wanted Monica to go upstairs but was nervous about asking. Monica wanted to be asked and was nervous about not being asked. She decided to break the ice. Monica:"That night cap sounds like a good idea. The way I see it, we can either go to the Grill and have it or go to your room, your choice." Alan should have been surprised by her honesty, but he welcomed her move, he grabbed her hand, "Let's go", was all he said and he led her to the elevators. He pushed the up bottom and in a few minutes they were inside his hotel room. He turned on the lights. He looks at her and he sees only desire and longing in her eyes. He hopes she see the same in his. Alan: (he takes her hand and puts over his heart): "Can you feel it, can you feel how fast its beating?" Monica (shakes her head): "Yes". He leans over and gives her a full kiss, she's accepts it. There was no turning back, the flood gates had been opened and the passion that had laid dormant in each of them for the last year was about to be unleashed. The next morning laying in bed, Alan asked Monica to renew their wedding vows. She immediately said yes and jokingly asked him did this mean a new anniversary to celebrate. He smiled and told her that they could renew their vows in August on their second wedding anniversary date. She thought that was very romantic but it was only less than two months away and didn't leave much time to plan a wedding. Alan: "The wedding I'm envisioning doesn't include anyone from Port Charles." Monica (very intrigued): "Just what did you have in mind?" Alan: "How about a nice intimate wedding, just you and me, in paradise." Monica: "Now you really have my attention, go on." Alan (smiles): "How about the Hawaiian Islands, and then we can continue with the honeymoon. No family, that way nothing can go wrong, there will be no fighting or yelling. Just you and me. So what do you think?" Monica: "How long can we get a way for?" Alan: "As long as you like." Monica: "I say yes and the longer the better." After spending that night together, Alan and Monica found it difficult not living together every night thereafter. They didn't want the family to find out what they were planning, so they continued with the present living arrangements. They also tried not to attraction to much attention to themselves. They both lied of course about why they were leaving town. They decided to say they were both going to the same doctor's conference instead of making up two separate stories, this they thought at least sounded more plausible. Alan even found a real conference being held in Seattle, for the second week of August. Whether the family bought the conference or not didn't matter, they were just glad to see Alan and Monica go away together. Lila might have suspected but was as usual discrete. She only wanted to see Alan and Monica find some romance and happiness and vowed to herself not to let the family interfere. Alan and Monica made their escape and had a beautiful sunset ceremony over looking the ocean in Maui. The managed to scrounge three weeks vacation and neither one of them felt the least bit guilty about it either. They both finally found what they spend the last quarter of a century searching for, each other and they couldn't have been happier. Alan's thoughts are interrupted as he feels the arms of his wife wrap around his chest. He leans his head backward. Alan: "Good morning, are you ready for the trip home?" Monica (she releases her hold and settles into the chair next to him): "Hi, how long have you been sitting here?" Alan: "I don't know, since around three." Monica: "Three, is anything wrong?" (She looks concerned). Alan: " No, not a thing, I was just sitting here and reminding myself how I got here and how happy I am." Monica (smiles): "It was a hard road, but I'm glad we made it." Alan: (returns her smile): "Me too, its really going to work this time." Monica: "I think so. Oh no, your family" Alan (his smile quickly fades and he looks concerned): "What about them?" Monica : "Well we send a telegram telling them we lied about the conference and got remarried instead and we wouldn't be home for three weeks". Alan: "They'll get over it." Monica: "Yes they will, but not until they throw us a party first." Alan (lets out a sigh): "I see what you mean. Are you thinking of what I'm thinking?" Monica: "I'm definitely thinking what you're thinking." Alan gets up and walks into the room, he picks up the phone and dials the front desk. He tells the front desk they are going to extend their stay another day. He then calls room service and orders up a continental breakfast. He then calls the airlines and a changes the tickets. By the time he's off the phone the breakfast has arrived. He returns to Monica who is still on the balcony and she's watching the beach come alive with tourists. Alan: (wheels out the breakfast cart): We're all set, we have the room for another day, the tickets are changed, did I forget anything?" Monica (taking a sip of coffee): "Sending another telegram to the family saying we're detained." Alan (munching on a roll): "Do we have to?" Monica: "Yes" Alan gets up and returns shortly. "Ok, now is there anything else I forgot to do?" Monica (laughs): No, except what do you want to do today?" Alan (still standing, raises his eyebrows and smiles): "I'm sure we'll think of something." Monica (returns the smile): "I'm sure we will". Alan takes her by the hand and leads her back to bed. (Fade out).